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(no subject) [Nov. 3rd, 2007|03:40 am]
[mood |dramatic fag]
[music |urusla 1000 - urgent/anxious (ladytron remix)]

i'm horrible at keeping up with my journal.  i guess these last few years i've been horrible at keeping up with myself (whatever that means). 

i'm sad.

well, feeling sorry for myself.

i'm lonely.  i've been single for over two years.

there's a continuous battle between my mind and my heart.  there has been since the day jeremy and i broke up.  i try so hard to continue living without him, but i can't.  in someways he won't let me.  i tell him how i feel and explain that i need to weed him out for a while.  he then proceeds to tell me he loves me and doesn't want me to hurt and wants to be in my life.  the worst thing is that i want to hear those words. 

he's a sickness. an addiction. 

i date.  i fuck.  i'll even throw a vagina in once in a while.  nothing seems to work.  filling the void is not the answer.  i have yet to figure it out. 

my mom and her new boyfriend came to phoenix yesterday.  i picked them up from the airport and dropped them off at their hotel in scottsdale.  we planned to meet at 730 for dinner.  of course, jeremy came along.  NOT healthy.  shit makes me crazy.

myself, jeremy, my sister, her husband, my mother, and her boyfriend attended.  jeremy and i sat across from each other.  ordered two things and split them.  (can we be anymore queer?)  we acted like a couple.  why?  why fall into that mode?  it was so natural for both of us.  so what is the fucking problem? 

after dinner jeremy dropped me off at home (i know he went to a dudes house).  we pulled up to my drive and sat in his car and took a hit of kind.  he grabbed my head, pulled me over to him and put my head on his chest. 

"i love you bry."

"i know."

i sat up and smiled.  i left the car with out saying goodnight.

i just want to forget about him.
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2006|03:31 am]

hello to bryan.

i'm living alone. it's almost as if i have always lived alone. i can't remember what it's like to argue over who last returned the video to blockbuster or questioning why there's a dirty sock on the floor when laundry was just done. i'm like a lesbian; living alone with two cats in the barrio.
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(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2006|01:23 am]
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]
[music |imogen heap - hide and seek]

i don't even know where i've been or what i have been doing all this time.

i'm single now.

back in school.

boy's think i'm pretty.

i miss jeremy.

i have a crush on someone who's very special.
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(no subject) [Apr. 19th, 2005|02:04 am]
"Beauty school drop-out (Beauty school drop-out)
Hanging around the sorner store
Beauty school drop-out (Beauty school drop out)
It's about time you learned the score"
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(no subject) [Apr. 12th, 2005|04:55 pm]
[mood |stoned]
[music |cex - starship galactica]

i can't stress enough that life is so cruel.

people in my life and their loved ones:

MENDY: mother has a severe case of lung cancer (doesn't even smoke)

LISA: mother has breast cancer, just started kimo

FRANK: mother has cancer spread throughout her legs and continuing to destroy her body

AMY: mother passed away from breast cancer a bit under a year ago

and then there's me.

--i'm not writing this out of despair, i was just chewing on the idea while smoking a joint.
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(no subject) [Apr. 10th, 2005|07:17 pm]
[mood |refreshedrefreshed]
[music |gomez]

had a pretty good weekend. friday night, friends and i massed at the venture, a 'leather daddy' of a gay bar down the street. it was populated with the majority of forty-some year old men cruising for a good lay. we all found it amusing to see a world of nothing but impassioned men wanting to copulate. no one was really socializing, mostly just standing around drinking cheap beer grabbing themselves and nodding. the men's bathroom was the best part of it all. there was one single trough to piss in. in front of this perverted trough was a mirror along the wall. so basically no matter where you looked (unless it was up. and believe me i looked up), you got the best seats in the house to see some cock.

saturday night i stayed in and spent the evening drinking wine and watching the fourth season of queer as folk. yes, i know, how inverted. i honestly have compassion for this benighted drama series mostly containing soft porn with really good looking men in designer jeans wanting to get married and adopt asian babies.

today i'm lazy, but took a trip to the casino. i lost ten bucks but i'll live.

debating whether or not to go to seattle in may. i have a few days off but can't make a decision. would it be a waste of time is what i'm wondering.
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(no subject) [Apr. 8th, 2005|08:20 pm]
[mood |goodgood]
[music |arab strap]

i think i just might laugh.
"The answer is that they want to taunt us heterosexuals with the subversive notion that gays can be stable and happy. It's a plot to undermine our time-honored national values and the Constitution.

The Founding Fathers did not provide for gay marriages, even though surely some were gay. Conservatively speaking, at least 3% of the signers of the Constitution must have been gay, since that's the low estimate for any population sample. It was probably higher, given that they were a pretty talented bunch and wore wigs. They also never declared gays to be three-fifths of a person, which indicates a certain self-interested tolerance, if you get my drift.

Clearly, the Founding Fathers were as comfortable with hypocrisy as most politicians are today. But they forgot to write a "Don't ask, don't tell" clause into the Constitution. They also left marriage matters up to the states. Darn, and then the Supreme Court of Hawaii had to go and find that their state's Constitution may protect gay marriages. What if that ruling sticks and it turns out that thousands of gays achieve happiness in marriage? Dole is right; it could rock the very "foundation of marriage."

Worse yet, gay couples would be eligible to purchase family insurance, share health benefits, file joint tax returns, and have the right to visit a sick spouse in the hospital. The republic could fall.

I am also in arguing that gay marriages are very threatening to heterosexual marriages. If you've ever lived near a gay couple, you would know that they set a very bad example. I remember trying to be heterosexually married once in the notorious Castro district in San Francisco. My wife of the time kept comparing me very unfavorably to gay spouses. They managed to earn a living; participate in civic life; and still find the time to do the dishes, fix the sink, and even paint their houses. I kept telling her it's unnatural for a man to be so handy. Her unreasonably heightened expectations soon ended our marriage."
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(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2005|09:04 pm]
[mood |goodgood]

the healing process has really only just begun.

although it has almost been a year, things by nature, have caused me to oppress my father's demise.

kind of stinks to have only just come to terms. should i feel guilty? or is it wholesome to be numb.

well, still here in tucson. working, finished with school (not using my degree). wanting to leave tucson, but cannot seem to at the moment. in a way, i'm settled and comfortable, feeling somewhat successful. still 'married', never more in love. GOING TO EUROPE! this august for a few weeks. i am very aroused by the idea of my trip. i need a break.

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(no subject) [Sep. 1st, 2004|01:57 am]
[mood |okayokay]
[music |peaches: father fucker]


haven't updated since june. i really don't know where to begin. just been working and currently taking a photo class. trying to cope with my father's death.

things are pretty much hectic back home with mom. she's dealing with court and the lawsuit. which i'm sure acutely bothers her. how could one move on when that's a constant ordeal. i often wish i was there to give her support but she's stubborn and says not to. i have put in a lot of thought into moving back home. jeremy is willing also of course, but so many things to leave behind at the same time.

i think i've learned quite a bit from this experience. i can't really put it into words, but let's just say that you never know what's gonna happen next.
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(no subject) [Jun. 19th, 2004|03:11 pm]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |the cure - just like heaven]

last night was pretty eventful. went to the old che's lounge for some drinks. it was somewhat reminiscent of when i first moved to tucson (except lyida was absent). kelly, taylor, jen, myself, and jeremy pretty much guffawed throughout the evening. we ended up pretty much pie-eyed by the end of the night. all in all i was satisfied.

there's a new lesbian bar that opened on 4th ave where guido's used to be. it's pretty butch if you ask me. we checked it out for a bit. i dont' see myself hanging out there often. just because it's a strange crowd. not sure if i'm into it.


father's day is tomorrow. i talked to my momma today and she said that her and my brother are going to the park to take helium filled ballons with messages and father's day cards in them and letting them go. kind of nice yet depressing. not sure what i'll do tomorrow, but my sister's down visiting for the week so we've got plans to hang out. i'm excited.

ahh the house is coming together. the living room is painted and we've just bought new furniture. all that's left is the floors. it's lookin' good if you ask me.
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